Late Night Thoughts

I was adopted.

I will warn you now, this is a long winded post.. And there really isn't any humor or anything.. I just wanted to get my story out there.

When I was 3 or 4 months old, my parents adopted me. I found out at a very early age, by accident, from a friend of mine when I was 6 or 7. I honestly remember exactly where, when, and how. We were in their tree house in Yucaipa, Ca. The conversation went a little something like this:

Friend: "My mom said you're adopted."
Me: "Really?"
Friend: "Ya. She said that your mom didn't have you by herself."
Me: "Really??? That's cool."
*continued to play with our mud*

Yes. I didn't cry. I didn't really react at all. I think deep down, I probably already knew, but this was a confirmation. What I did know at the time was it absolutely didn't change a thing for me. My mom was still my mom. She still is my mom, even though she's not with us anymore.

My siblings were all much older than me. There was about a 25 year or so difference between myself and my nearest sibling. Needless to say, I was the only child in the house growing up, and I consider myself an only child in that aspect. My brothers and sisters were still my brothers and sisters, and I love them and share a relationship with them to this day, but it's very hard as a young child to bond with your sister when she's doing her taxes and you're playing with your ponies.

When I was 17, my birth mother got in contact with me - through MySpace. I didn't really know if she existed or not any more, if she had other kids, where she lived, or anything. And honestly, I never really cared to look. Not because I was blocking her out of my mind, but more so as.... what's the point? In my mind, she had 17 years to contact me.. It's not like we were running from her... We were still in the same state, same city, heck, we were even in the same house that she came and visited me in when I was first going through the steps of adoption. So when she did contact me, it really caught me off guard. And what was one of the only things I had on my mind to ask her? Not "why" or anything emotional like that... But I wanted to know my health history. Yup. My health history. Ya. It's not that I didn't want to know anything else necessarily, it's just, that was what was most relevant at the time. I grew up being told different things about my biological mother, and then when she finally contacted me, she told me even more different things... I don't know any of these answers for anything or what is really truth, and it doesn't really bother me. The past can't be changed, so there really is no reason for me to want to pick it apart to try and please everyone's different version of the "truth". I just don't care.

I never met my birth mother, even though there were a couple of times set up for us to do so. I was always where I was supposed to be... But her end never seemed to come together for these meetings. I never went out of my way for these meetings. I always was in the area for different reasons - doctor's appointments, beach trips, band tours, etc. So I never lost out on anything when she didn't show up. And it honestly never really bothered me. As I type this, I know that there are people who might be reading this thinking, "There's no way she didn't care.." I was very apathetic about this whole situation. I think if I were to have been adopted by a terrible family I'd be more into this whole thing. But my parents gave me everything. They were amazing. Every health need I needed to have met, special speech school, multiple surgeries and therapy  emotional support.. Everything they gave and provided to me.. I was a very lucky, and I will be truthful and say it, and spoiled kid. They provided me with everything I needed to succeed in this world, and I believe that I am becoming more and more successful every day.

My father passed away from lung cancer three days before my high school graduation. I was 18. It was devastating to me. My first real experience of a loss in the family, and it was my father. That was the year that I met my husband, and I truly believe that God placed him in my life at the exact time in my life when I needed to meet and have my soul mate by my side. All I had was my mom. And a few years later, I also lost her. I happened to be pregnant with my son when she started getting sick, and by the time he was born, she was in a comatose state. A few months later, she passed away. I had no one. I had no bond to anyone, I thought. And then, I realized that God had placed my son in my life at the exact moment I needed to be completely bonded with someone through blood.

My son is the first being I've ever touched that shared the same blood as me. He is mine. Forever and ever. I made him. I created him. There was no one that could take that bond away from me. And it's just what I needed. He is my baby. And I have a family, and a husband, at the exact right time in my life. And I love it.

Everything happens for a reason. Everything. Our job is to trust this, and make the best out of the situations that have been given to us.

-Ashley